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Part of the problem is self-induced, as I fully intend to leave the recently vacated role of ificant other unfilled. No one shall ever be allowed to be so close to me ever again. Some would be tempted to tell me how this notion is dangerous, and that it will bring me no happiness To these I would say: Save it.
I no longer care. I am fully aware of how "damaging" it will be to wall myself up in the way I intend The old me is. The me who tried to fix the world by being open to it The me who was nice, considerate, compassionate, and humbly submissive Just like her, the last one to truly interact with the old me. Gone, never to return. So, where does this leave me?
Without my desire to worship women, who the fuck am I? Who cares? Not I. Wondering who I am is a waste of time. I've seen enough I am done searching for answers in this area. The answers will come, or they will not. It matters little. I have chosen instead to find answers to other questions. What do I want?
How will I get it? What obstacles are in my? These questions are more meaningful to me now. I have wasted too much of life worrying over my imagined soul. Fearful of becoming a villain. Trying in vain to instead become a. Useless endeavors both, as neither heroes villains actually exist. No, much better to disregard such small minded woes. The soul is a pitiful and stupid thing beyond saving seeing as it is a figment of the mind. Better to clearly identify what my desires are and after them with all the effort of my being, regardless of meaningless labels such as or villain, right or wrong.
So, that presents the question again: Where does this leave me? I have been putting forth effort to clearly identify what it is that drives me. What my heart desires. I was shocked to realize that what I want is power. Dominion even. I want to dominate I will not foolishly claim to have garnered some great wisdom from this realization or to have some right to it's pursuit.
I simply do not care anymore. I do not care what the costs are, I do not lament the selling of my "soul", I no longer posses the desire to give of myself unto others. I have played that game. It holds no further interest for me. All my life I have resisted the impulse to dominate, I have resisted my very nature. And why? So that I might be a "good guy"? So that I could be thought of as a "catch"? Useless and futile.
There is nothing in this world aside from the pursuit of one's desires. All else is fantasy. All else is delusion.
I am done pretending to be above my desires. I am done being above anything in myself. I am done denying myself. I am done being denied. I am done with asking. I am done with courtesy. I am done with subtlety. I will my ends or I will die, by whatever means I necessary. I will blows down upon the universe mercilessly until it relents and is forged into my vision; or I will perish in the attempt.
This is my new reality. I will not deny that I have no will to fulfill another woman in the way that most women think they desire, but neither will I waste time denying my desire for women.
What then, am I to do? Well, what I mean to do is to keep my desires in their proper place I mean to take what I need from women, headless of their cliched "needs" of some imagined prince charming. I shall shameless pursue my own satisfaction and the women I am with will find satisfaction in satisfying me, or they will find none at all.
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